top of page

From Toxic Life to Inner Strength

Writer's picture: Rachel Swain Rachel Swain

Updated: Oct 22, 2024

My Grandad passed away in 1976 when I was only one year old. My Grandma was 48, and she instilled in me the importance of always being grateful for growing old, as it was a privilege denied to many.

I never appreciated how young 48 was until… I was 48!

Nothing is as I had mapped in my mind. I’m divorced, estranged from my mother and sisters, a childless woman with a master’s degree that didn’t result in achieving any career aspirations.

I try not to dwell on what I thought it would be like and focus on the things that make my life wonderful. I’d go through everything a million times over to land in the same position I am in right now at 48, with a supportive and loving partner who I genuinely love spending time with, and my strong circle of friends cheering and clapping loudly.

I was always overweight as a teenager and into my 20s. Through a terrible marriage, I was clinically obese, suffered from extreme anxiety, low self-esteem, and infertility. In 2014, through a series of fortunate events, I dropped 50 kg, which gave me the confidence to leave my marriage and find my new life.

For the last 10 years, I have managed to maintain that weight loss, but it hasn’t been easy. I’m always a week of high-carb meals away from blowing out. I noticed during 2023 that I was starting to pile on the kilos and committed to a year of focus to drop 20 kg. I was really proud that I made good on a promise to myself to get my weight back under control.

My motto is to be good when I need to be—intermittent fasting, regular exercise, low carb, and high protein—and enjoy the times when I don’t need to be—espresso martinis and pasta dishes, haha.

The main change I’ve noticed in my late 40s is my mood. I get way more irritated at things that I would usually let slide. I constantly need to think about how I should react. My partner, Steve, is the right personality to weather these storms and my reactions—which I don’t always get right. I feel like I’m outside my body, watching myself overreact/blow up. It’s like I can’t control myself at times, and it’s very unlike me. I keep a journal to discuss when I see my GP, as we are starting to talk about whether hormone replacement therapy might benefit me.

A few years ago, I told an older lady at work that I thought I had had my first hot flush. She said I’d definitely know whether I had… And I can tell you—you will know. It’s like nothing else. My first one was recently on a flight when we were about to take off. I thought I was going to faint. I was clammy all over, and I felt light-headed. A wave of heat went from my head to my toes. I could feel my forehead and cheeks burning. I called a flight attendant, and she sat me up the back in the hostess chair with the air-con on my face. I told her I was having a menopausal moment, and she said, “Oh yeah, my mum has these.”… Nothing has ever slapped me in the face so hard, reminding me of my age, haha.

Some of my friends call me Peri. We talk a lot about the changes we are going through, and I think that’s the best thing for women—to be able to talk freely and share experiences.

I look at a photo of myself and see a hundred faults: bags under my eyes, sunspots, crooked teeth, grey hair, dry lips, and wrinkles. My arms and tummy are flabby from weight loss. I’ve had plastic surgery quotes to get a tummy tuck and arm reduction. But occasionally, I look at myself and think—that face tells a story, and your body carried you through some pretty tough times. And beyond what the photo shows, I am proud of myself and grateful for the life I am loving right now. During those times, I put away the plastic surgery quote and go about my day with a smile.


Rachel x

243 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page